Hi, My name is...

Wow. It has been quite some time has it not?

Let's start off with an introduction.....

My name is....a few things:

Rebuilding

Renewing

Unhealed

Grieving

Brokenhearted

Reborn.....

A lot of names I know- since my last post from 2023 so much of my life has changed that I don't even see how I am here in person typing this current blog post. At this time, I thought I would have been in the state I had chosen, working in a position custom made for me with an increase in pay at that, having a house warming with my friends and building this new life....that's not exactly what happened.

Instead- I did change jobs- mostly to get out of an uncomfortable and racial situation to go to a place that is just "ok"...., my trust as well as my heart was irrevocably broken to where it placed me in a deeper mental state....and September 13, 2024, I lost my last tether to this world, my father. So definitely not what I saw for myself at all. I would get so close to my goal or some form of stable happiness then something else would destroy it and knock me back down. I am still heavily grieving the loss of my father because he was abruptly taken. We didn't have a heads up, or anything like the situation with my mother. All I know is he was one day fighting and telling me to still fight and then that Friday morning, I got a call to leave work and head to the hospital and I watched my parent pass away in front of my eyes. I never had to experience that before. My mother passed away in her sleep and I wrestle with it internally whether or not I am ever going to accept or be comfortable with how I lost my father.

I have constant dark moments because we became closer when mom passed. He was the only man in my life I could place full trust in, He watched me go through something traumatic where I lost myself fully and was broken from and never once left my side. Now without him I don't have a sense of direction. He use to pray for me to have a partner like his wife was for him because he said I was deserving of the unconditional connection he and his wife shared. I told him he was one in a million because outside of him and my Aunt/Uncle back home- I honestly don't believe any one will experience something that pure and solid and real. They may get snippets but what I watched him have was something I wished I could have had.

So now I feel I'm walking in a path without light because I'm feeling my way around, professionally, emotionally, financially and spiritually. Even my decision to relocate- the entire purpose and area has changed. Now I have no idea where I should be and its infuriating because my father is who helped me figure it out and make sense. If it wasn't for the women in my life right now I know I wouldn't still be here. I still struggle with the darkness as my dad would call it, everyday. I do not trust anyone who is a man, the last man I trusted was my father. I thought I had friends or men who cared and showed that type of consistency and care but I was wrong. If it wasn't for Sasha, Kim, Juice, June, Yonce, Luz, Lanot, Anisha/Dani and my all time best friend of course, Jarvis, I would not be here right now. They constantly keep up on me. Always asking, if I ate or drank water, making me be busy mentally, making me leave my apartment...keeping me here. There are so many people I thought would have given me this because in my mind I am the most selfless person I know and the ones I thought would be here and they are not are the ones that surprised me the most. I am in shock. I know how I use to be, I would contact people and cuss them out and speak my peace but honestly I am at a space where its not worth it. If I was so important they would have shown it.

So I pour it all on paper and I cry and I let it go. No one deserves my hurt, my words or anything from me. If I make it through this hard hurdle, the people I named above are the ones that I will be celebrating with. So this is my truth- its not pretty, I don't feel great, I cry often and I always want to give up so the pain doesn't hurt so damn bad. Yet I am speaking and saying as of today I am still here. If I can continue to post again- that means I am still trying. Thank you for allowing me a space to be as transparent as I can be.